hearts

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so, i was talking to a good friend of mine recently. this buddy happens to be in a tricky relationship situation, one that you listen to and try to find something wise and original and helpful to say in response, and basically come up with, "oh.... damn. that sounds shitty, dude."

i think i can safely say that 75% of us (and by us i am assuming those who read this are 20 or 30-somethings that don't live in the remote wilderness and have exactly zero dead bodies stored in the deep freeze) have been in a long-term relationship that has been painful and drawn-out and made you deeply unsure about what love means and where you stand and what fate ultimately has in store for you.

talking to my friend, of course, brought up my own time and a lot of those questions and doubts from back in the day. (thank god it was back in the day.) i am thankful for a few things in life, and i'll count them quickly now - being in my thirties, having someone awesome that i appreciate (don't laugh, i give a lot of beef but i do recognize), and having gone through the drama and craziness so i know what i want, what doesn't work, and how to spot a bastard. during my most miserable, soul-searching shit, i remember looking out of the window at the wall of ivy covering the building next door, watching the fog roll through against that backdrop. there was one small window in that building that i could see clearly enough to determine that it was a bathroom window, and i used to sit there, all tragic, and wonder if the people in that apartment were happy. if they could sense my world of misery, if they were living what i was living. whew. (i told you. when it comes to misery i'm a pro.) as shitty as times were, i am grateful for that lesson, that i know what it feels like, what took me there, and how to go in a completely opposite direction if i can sense the fringes of that coming my direction.

ok. now that My World has been established, let's move on. what's the right thing to do? will i regret it for the rest of my life? maybe being in love is different for me than it is for others. i will never be able to forget that he said that to me. well, friends, no one really has the answers for you. it's something that you and your person work out, however messily, for however long it takes. it works out in the end, and when you get to that right place, you'll know it. you'll feel it throughout your mind and body. your internal chaos will be silent, those torn fibers will knit and become whole. something inside just tells you. but you've got to fuck up a whole hell of a lot to get there. at least i did.