in defense of dating a dud

not a dude, a dud. a dud can be a dude or a dame.

it dawned on me while in the shower about 23 minutes ago that dating a complete booooo, thumbs-down, everybody-hated-him-except-my-mother guy really made me appreciate a couple of things.

first, and more obvious, is that it made me appreciate T all the more when he came along.

second, it made me embrace the full, unadulterated me because i gave so little of a shit about this guy that i basically said and did whatever i wanted. his only manipulation leverage was that he could make himself such a complete pain in the ass that i would do what he wanted (on rare occasions) just to avoid the burden of dealing with his tantrums.

i'm going to argue here that being completely selfish and self-involved in a relationship, while shitty for the other person, kind of helped me be me all the way. finally.

i've had trouble with this in the past. the one time my mom had me evaluated by a shrink, he essentially said that i grew up too fast and strove hard to be something i wasn't, which was actually very accurate. i think my mom just felt guilty from the point forward for indulging me when i said i wanted to go to school at 4 years old, thus making me a year younger than the others. i'm not really sure what to think about that nugget.

BD (before dud), i was never fully relaxed enough to express all of my opinions, let my tendencies bust out into the open. i'm a tomboy, i curse enough to make people uncomfortable, i'm logical to a point of emotionlessness, i have a horrible temper, i mistrust every single person on the planet except for like, 3 people of varying connection to me, the list goes on. in the past i've tried to be more stylish than i naturally care to be (stylishness takes effort, which i frequently don't have the energy for), i've tried to be high-maintenance (also takes way too much effort), i've tried to be girly and pleasant. ha. my pleasantness is derived from the fact that i'm deadpan and lazy and sleepy, not because i'm actually pleasant. it's a by-product if it happens.

PD (post dud), i was able to see how much i changed myself to make myself more likeable. that's some wack shit. sadly, it took me about 29 years to figure out how to be me.

part of my 30s loftiness comes from the fact that i have accepted my faults and am more-or-less comfortable in my skin. hats off to people who have had a steeper and faster learning curve. it's not an easy one.