close your eyes

...and what is it that you think about? i did not grow up under the umbrella of any sort of religion, so when i do my chants and close my eyes, i can't help but feel like i'm cheating, like i'm praying when i don't actually believe in praying. usually, i think about everyone i care about, i picture their faces, i think of them and that they do well and continue to be healthy and find strength in themselves and happiness if they're not currently experiencing or owning it. daishonin buddhism teaches you to chant for what you want, a dumbed-down version (to me) of basically saying, take time to think about your shit, your situation, what you want out of it, and focus, goddamn you. i mean, it's much nicer than that, but sometimes it takes the ritual habitual to make us shut off the tv, dim the lights, and think about ourselves. and as selfish as that sounds, it's when i think about myself that i find the energy and the emotional capacity to think about others. i believe that we all have the capability to get what we really want out of something, we just have to put forth the effort, and focus our internal tractor beams.

i am uncomfortable with saying out loud that i practice a religion. i don't consider this a religion, i think of it as a sort of general guidance. there are no hard-and-fast rules about it, i've delved into it, then stopped, then started, then stopped, and i think my happy medium is not attending meetings and making gung-ho speeches (i will never be comfortable with that, i'm too contrarian and aquarian) but it's the chanting and the inner focus that i practice on my own. i probably will never admit that i subscribe to a religion, and i use the word admit only because i think other people consider buddhism to be a religion. and maybe it is in some forms and to some people. but it's not to me, it helps me with things. i'm still an athiest, there are no deities in my world.

i spent the day alone. wasn't planning to, but today was one of those days where i really felt the need to recharge internally. having someone around probably would have only added to the noise in my head. sherry and i went out last night, and i woke up this morning feeling like i needed quiet, and i don't mean a hangover. made myself breakfast, went on a long run with the dog, did abs and lower back stuff, parked on the sofa and ordered a pizza. indulgence. i like a day where i can do a little of everything - be physical, be lazy, watch TV, be productive. my head just feels like its buzzing and i needed a day like this. quiet house, quiet head.

last night, first we went to MoCA for this jazz showcase where we met up with Spanish Eric, his sister, and some others. spent a good part of the night watching the show and giggling - sherry is a music major from Cal and she was teaching me things like how to identify a good drummer, and explaining why one saxophonist was better than the other. after that she and i headed to glamour bar, and received yet another showcase, this one impromptu. it was gay night or something, and there was a gaggle of people cuttin the rug. i mean, like the 'end up' at 4 in the morning, but worse dancing and outfits. having been very used to being around what i'm slowly realizing are the cream of the crop of the gay world in the bay area, i'm always pretty snotty when i encounter gay dudes who clearly don't have the whole routine down yet - the good clothes, the hard body, the perfect hair, and the undisputed ability to shake their asses. the main guy last night got an A for effort - no pillar was left unrubbed, nobody in his group went un-humped - but he's got nothing on my hometown. still, good to see the diversity kicked up a bit in a 'normal' place like glamour.