i'm grateful that there's ethernet here. there doesn't seem to be much else, although if i'm feeling up to it i can purchase the women's or men's underwear or socks or various prophylactics located conveniently on a rack in my bathroom.
back in foshan from guangzhou yesterday.
so i spent the morning yesterday with fibi (sic - it's pronounced phoebe), a girl that magically appeared out of the thin air on my last trip here and i later deduced had been summoned to come and speak with me because her english is fair. my uncle handed her the keys to someone's car, and we went to see a famous kiln that fires the ceramics that foshan is famous for and has been around since the ming dynasty, whenever that was. 500 years ago.
yes, i went to see a large kiln yesterday. i even took pictures because i think that's what you do when someone takes you to see a famous sight in her hometown and seems quite excited by it herself. it would be like me taking someone to see the, uh, paramount theater or the mormon temple, i guess. we also went to see furniture city, which david wanted very badly for me to see for some reason, but the main - aka 'modern' - part of it was shut down because there was no electricity. we didn't stay long in the uncool part and bailed in favor of lunch. my uncle magically appeared at one point during lunch (how does he do that?) and i was whisked off to another destination, this time a street corner by the hospital where my health check was performed, where we loitered for several minutes until david showed up to collect my passport for one reason or another. then my uncle and i hopped into the car (who's car was it anyway?) and lo and behold! picked up another person, david's sister, helen, then went to guangzhou. for some reason, i can't stay awake when i'm in a car, so next thing i know my uncle is barking my name and points out a hotel for me to admire. great. i know better than to think we're staying there because it's fancy. i close my eyes again and we're at helen's apartment. we go in and her parents are feverishly cooking dinner and i meet her niece and park my dazed ass on the sofa while various snacks of the preserved fruit variety are thrust at me and i just blink at them, overwhelmed by the choices and the complete randomness of my life at that point. i keep hearing peeps about me staying the night at the family's spare apartment and how one of the sisters is out buying furniture so i can sleep there. i'm ushered to the table and i consume dinner. helen's mother is talking nonstop and her father is glugging down copious amounts of bai jiu and i believe he's quite hammered. just like my grandparents, actually. her niece, ga ga (no, i'm not kidding) throws various english phrases at me and i smile at her because i don't know what else to do. she has a semi-tamed afro and her hair looks like a mushroom, but she's kinda cute in an earnest way. after dinner helen performs the most involved tea preparation i've ever seen and i drink lots of pu-er tea out of politeness. then my uncle and helen and myself truck across the courtyard to the apartment where i am to spend the night, apparently by myself. when the door is finally shoved open, i immediately start fearing for my well-being. the apartment is cool if you're into filth and lots of dust, which i'm not because dust triggers my asthma. and there is no furniture in the filthy room where i need to sleep, except for a desk. i put my foot down and tell my uncle that it's far too troublesome for the family to purchase furniture and clean the apartment for my sake (ahem) so i would rather stay in a hotel. i think he sees the wild look in my eyes and agrees. he is rather fastidious himself and i think he might have been sympathetic. helen makes a phone call and we jump into a taxi, where we are dropped off on a dark street in front of an empty storefront and a bank that is now closed since it's 10 pm. we finally locate a doorway vaguely resembling a hotel, and my uncle checks me in. it looks like a hotel, but it doesn't. i have enough curiosity to ask if it's a hotel. my uncle says yes, it's a hotel for customs officers (which helen is). my luggage is in a car somewhere that is not with us, so we go upstairs to my room and after about 15 minutes my uncle and helen leave. he tells me he is going to get my luggage which is now downstairs.
two hours later - i was watching the beginning of the fifth element when they left and when he got back i was well into some bug show - my uncle bangs on the door and scares the shit out of me. my luggage has appeared. he leaves me at the hotel and i am very grateful for my belongings. i have no control over my life and that is okay.
i thought i was staying 2 nights at the customs agent hotel, so when my uncle comes to pick me up the next day i'm not packed. he and the confused housekeeping person literally sit in the room and watch me as i frantically throw my belongings into my bags. i was intending to re-pack so most of my shit is everywhere. i get in another vehicle - a champagne minivan this time, equipped with a driver - and we start driving. we venture down a small street and i see a familiar face - one of my uncle's friends. we pick him up and keep driving. we're back in foshan, and go to a huge restaurant where we have yet another private room and a lunch so fancy that the chef comes into the room and cooks two of the dishes in front of us. abalone. oysters. steamed fish. the foie gras of chinese cuisine. the friend continues to chastise me for not speaking chinese in either form. i eat lunch and try not to look mildly irritated because i know he's paying for lunch. we finish, get in the car and drive about 20 yards to our new hotel. with an entire afternoon ahead of me and no apparent internet access, i completely unpack and repack with hope that i'll streamline the volume of my luggage. in my efforts i spy an ethernet cable, which is the happiest moment of my day. i spend the rest of the afternoon emailing my family and friends about where the fuck in the universe i actually am and why. my uncle again scares the shit out of me by banging on the door. we are to leave. he hands me my passport and various immigration documents. we're going to visit a factory and something about my ticket back to shanghai. while walking through the lobby, david appears and we get in his car. we drive around and park near a 'hot sandwich board' sign on an industrial building. we go into an office, and a man shouting on the phone stops shouting and takes us on a tour of a small printing factory. david is making funny faces at me, which is okay because he's kinda goofy-friendly. we get back in the car. we go next to park in an alley somewhere in the bustling area of foshan and my uncle motions for me to stay in the car. he reappears about 10 minutes later with my plane ticket back to civilization: tomorrow at 1 pm. we drive and park somewhere else. outside of an apartment building. my uncle gets out and david starts trying to convince me to go to karaoke with him and fibi. he unabashedly sings me two songs in mandarin, after which i clap. he's really not bad. my uncle gets back in the car and we go to a restaurant, to a private room. we order and eat, and two people i've met before show up. the 'old woman,' as my uncles refers to her, and the smaller, quiet man that follows her around. as usual, she refuses to eat and has brought another sheaf of work papers that she waves around. david practices his english on me while the woman talks. and talks. and talks. she finally consents to picking out all of the gingko nuts out of one of our dishes, and eats dessert. upon leaving my uncle instructs me to follow her and i am driven back to the hotel by another man who appeared during dinner and will be driving me to the airport tomorrow. they insist on all getting out of the car, and the woman escorts me into the lobby and i forcibly prevent her from taking me to my room. she shouts my room number to all the employees in the lobby who nod at her and repeat it loudly. i escape to my room. that woman annoyed me when i first met her and since we haven't spoken directly to each other i can only say it's because she's very bossy and i don't like it.
i am concerned for my mental well-being. eating toblerone should not be considered a form of entertainment.
1 comment:
Have you considered that, while you're being transported from one clandestine location to another by strange people you may or may not know, who may or may not be able to appear and disappear at will, in other people's cars which may or may not have been borrowed with permission...that perhaps it would be better for you to be blind-folded as well?
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