pivotal points

i'm starting to understand some aspects of life. i think. after going through a fairly difficult time mentally while in hong kong and southern china, things are starting to look up. when you're in the depths of said hard time, things just look as if they will progress that way indefinitely and that seems to me to be part of the reason the hard time is so hard. no light at the end of the tunnel.

i have a friend who is one of those rare optimist types. any situation, even if it's a good one, gets even better in his eyes. it's amazing. i don't know how i would function if i was born that way. i guess - appropriately and rather obviously - that i wouldn't be me. i am just hard-wired a different (and cynical) way. but sometimes i wonder if in the future when another difficult phase comes loping down the lane, if i'll be able to pull out of my head and think about right now and remind myself that things do get better, eventually. will i believe myself? will it change anything?

the cynic in me says no.

but some new things are starting here - for me, mostly in the work world, it's too new so i won't discuss - and i'm feeling re-energized. i can say that i pretty easily disheartened, quick to pull the plug on anything that i sense is going to cost me any sort of loss, so i try not to get too dramatic about downturns (generally i fail). however, the floundering in hong kong thing was so bizarre; it was a mixture of house guest from hell guilt (me + 6 weeks) and feeling pressure from back home to shoulder some responsibilities (anyone need to rent a 2-bedroom apartment in oakland?!?!?! email me), plus feeling sad about what i thought my realistic job opps were going to be once back in SH. i know one thing about myself - i function much more productively with structure. although i do want to try this freelance thing, it really takes a flexible, reasonable person to have faith in oneself when in a foreign land and relatively un-connected and wanting to freelance. the hk job market is much better if you're on a corporate path, which i have been and am used to. mainland china is really more a frontier scene for the risk-takers, the independently wealthy, the entrepreneurs. i could just feel myself slipping into a debilitating bout of self-doubt about my abilities as a writer, and building a vicious cycle of limiting myself because of my fears. it happened early on in my career, and luckily i landed a sweet job that helped me build my work confidence with the help of a great boss and mentor. so, that said, things are starting to look up but i'll believe it when i see it.

ha.

switching gears, last night went to saleya on a friend's recommendation - met alvin and lisa for dinner. it's a tiny tiny little french bistro that shares an address with a produce stand (the proprietor of which was running laps in front of his small business as i walked by) and an italian restaurant, which i gather is owned by the same partners as saleya. the main reason i decided to go was that saleya is known for both good food and reasonable prices. reasonable, definitely. you can order a 3-course meal for 158 rmb (just over $20) , which for me included a generously-sized nicoise salad, lamb chops (4 of them on top of a pile of ratatouille), and a dessert. they were also very generous with the bread basket and accompanying tapenade, although initially they served us the bread with salad dressing. honestly, it was good either way. lisa ordered the last beef fillet so alvin settled for the mashed potatoes and sausage. all three were good, simple home style cooking. saleya isn't setting new records in culinary innovation, and i'd venture to say that my mom could go head-to-head with them and win, especially with my dish, but my mom is an extraordinary cook and i have no qualms with simple, home style fare. plus my mom doesn't have a restaurant and isn't here. the wine list was great - i'm still on the wagon, but i took a good long look for future reference and about 2/3 of their red wine list was under 300 rmb. the owner recommended the house red for 198 rmb and it was excellent (i did deign to sample it). good deal. and alvin fell in love all over again; he is the biggest sucker for molten chocolate cake that i've ever met. seriously. he ordered it last night and when his face semi-crumples in appreciation of a dish, you know you've just scored yourself a new fan.