i'm so tired

and emotionally drained. i thought i left this heaviness behind.

at this age, we all know who we are (my folks do, anyway) and what works for us. i think i keep a tight rein on optimism, allowing just enough to let the days be happy, but always with a wary eye on breaks in the pattern. you just never know.

and some days you go into a situation knowing you're going to be pulling walls down, and hoping inside that people have the strength and the clarity to show you you're wrong. every single time, you leave with this dubious honor, this questionable victory. and all you can think about when you walk along the streets is that for once, it would be so very nice to be absolutely wrong, to have all of your doubts thrown out and stomped on and set on fire.

i have work tomorrow. it's the first time i've said that in nearly a year. 25 days short. and tomorrow i will go in, and shake hands, and smile, and talk about business stuff. and on this plank i will proceed.