"i don't need a guy to get my shit done, to get what i want out of life," writes my friend, d. "so where is a guy going to add value? i need a guy who's going to partner with me and share the work. not someone who i have to take care of in addition to myself."
d and i were chatting today, catching up as she finishes her third year at a top law school, and as i flounder in a strange city, looking for work and questioning my direction. co-habitation was a common thread for both of us when we worked together nearly three years ago, she in a solid long-term relationship that was going well, and me in an unhappy, burdensome relationship that could attribute its longevity more to the american visa complications than any actual emotion on my part. now, as she has navigated her way around the dating scene in the limited pool of her law school, summer internship locations, and now a european exchange program, and i have (bravely, or foolishly, depending on the day) resigned from an amazing and overwhelming job in shanghai and relocated back to america to a strange city in the name of love and a future, we continue to commiserate.
two independent, intelligent women, we have always seen eye-to-eye on gender roles, simultaneously incredulous at what was expected of us as women in domestic partnerships or society in general, disgusted and critical of the apparent doubling of work for women in the doubling of apartment occupancies, instead of the division of labor that you one would predict mathematically, if somewhat naively.
we have sussed out that the type of male doesn't seem to matter. metrosexual, designer grooming product-using, french cooking technique-deploying boyfriends displayed similar feints at helplessness as the sports-loving, indiscriminate beer-swilling types. arrogant or humble, well off or deeply embedded in school debt, open or emotionally stunted, the results were always the same. when chores are split, say by the common i-cook, you-clean technique, we females seemed to create more work for ourselves. after meals are cooked and consumed - during which the majority of the pots and pans would be generously washed by the cook - the rest of the dishes would be blearily found the next morning to still bear traces - or outright remnants - of the meal from the night before. re-wash the dishes, sigh with annoyance. after a handful of these episodes, inquire politely about the dish-washing technique of the household male. dish soap depletion has accelerated, so it can't be that not enough soap is used. perhaps soaping the sponge and washing each item with the water shut off instead of throwing the liquid around and creating an ineffective and wasteful foam party would work better? snip, snap, the female is "nagging." the male doesn't believe that the dishes he washes require a second go-round. produce the proof and again we are nags. so the choice now is either to continue to inquire/guide/snap/nag, or to silently fume and re-wash dishes in silence.
i, for one, am not a martyr. he will learn to wash dishes properly so help me god. wanting a cereal bowl to be clean and not encrusted with last night's rice is not unrealistic. i am not going to compensate for his laziness and therefore add to my existing workload when he is the one that can correct his behaviors like the adult he is. ok, so perhaps it doesn't help that i frequently ponder aloud if he was raised by a pack of wolves, or just a single wolf. does he open cereal boxes with his feet or hand it to the nearest tasmanian devil for assistance? how many mornings will i stumble into the kitchen for a coffee mug and come away with grape nuts embedded in the soles of both feet?
interpreting the cleanliness level of the house is also an on-going discussion. at this point in time, i am the sole house cleaner (floor sweeper and mopper, laundry washer and dryer, bed maker, toilet scrubber and disinfecter) for the reason that i am unemployed and have nothing better to do, and the household male is in law school. i tell myself that when i find work, there will need to be a schedule mapped out and more guidance on what makes a sink disgusting and what makes it clean. how often a toilet should be scrubbed and why it is important. how to sweep hardwood floors where the dirt is actually captured and disposed of, and not just stirred around. call it nagging if you want, but we will not live in the continuation of a college frat house.
in doing this, in telling myself that the division of labor will be righted again when i have my own gig going on, i am soothing the equalist in my head. i am promising to her, no i am committing that i will not perpetuate gender oppression and will continue onward with my values and ideals. but every day is a compromise. now that studying for finals is upon us, i feel like an outright servant some days. i resent it, and being me, i let it be known. to be fair, he recognizes how dependent he is on my daily work, and how much more work i do than he, and how i feel about it, and even claims to feel badly. but how long will that last, and does that guarantee that the work contributions will change?
if i do procure a great, stimulating, career-forwarding job and the household male does the same, and we then outsource the domestic duties to someone else (who will likely be both female and of color), am i failing what i've promised to myself? am i perpetuating the oppression of another woman?
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
fatted and happy
oh brined thanksgiving turkey malurkey! how do i love thee? let me count the ways:
- thy white meat dragged through pools of cranberry sauce and eaten with fingers
- thy leftover scraps piled onto toasted wheat with mayo and black pepper
- thy carcass the base of our post-thanksgiving jook
- thy tail, cold and congealed and salty and delicious, excavated from the scrap pile at midnight and devoured in secret
- other flesh of thine, mixed with stuffing and doused in gravy from thy bones, reheated for the next two days and eaten with flourish
we just started our leftover pillaging for the day and it has indeed been a most pleasurable exercise.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
vroom vroom turkey
finding a brining container for a turkey is a bitch. i hit up three places before finding a stockpot big enough. i had an easier time doing this in china. i was hoping to find a version of the old school granite ware pot my dad uses, but apparently modern peoples who shop at target don't cook anything bigger than a chicken. i finally ended up driving to this weird restaurant supply office-slash-store-slash-warehouse and buying an industrial stockpot from this soft-spoken, dumbo-eared salesman. he's the type that acts polite to your face then probably makes really nasty female jokes behind your back. creepy.
i made the cornbread and pie crusts yesterday, and bought all the herbs and shit the day before at this joint called vitamin cottage natural grocers. wtf?! why does everything here have to have some sort of folksy reference in order to exist? that shit wasn't no cottage - it was a damn store. get over it.
anyway. i found nice chestnuts at the korean superstore (KOREAN CHESTNUTS on the sign in big letters. i guess they're better?) and they're roasted and ready to be peeled. drat. this sort of stuff is much more fun with my sister and my grandma at the breakfast table. here i have trevor cramming for finals, singing 'she's crafty' at the top of his lungs.
this afternoon i'll slide our 11-pound birdie into a vat of chez panisse brine and call it a day. TURKEY DAY!!!!!!!! the best holiday ever. i miss being at home, but since i haven't been home for 2 years on thanksgiving and my sister and cousin are in asia on vacay, i guess having a football-playing, kegger-craving bf who enjoys my food a lot but can't cook or chop to save his life is an ok replacement. he's a good cheerleader and is willing to accept that i don't want to attend a thanksgiving day kegger with some of his peripheral friends. the description of the meal as it was pitched to me went like this: "you should go to john's house for thanksgiving. they're getting a keg and a ton of red wine." no mention of food, and so i mentally vetoed our attendance right then and there. thanksgiving is a huge ordeal (in a good way) as i was raised, and it's all about the food. as a concession, we are going over afterwards with a pumpkin pecan pie to placate trev's beer cravings. i bet he just wants to do a keg stand or a beer bong.
i also don't like eating early. this other dinner will be at 4 pm, which i find bizarre. we always eat thanksgiving, christmas, and easter dinners at dinnertime, when it's dark outside and you're extra hungry. it's weird chowing down on piles of meat and grease-soaked carbs when the sun is still out. call me crazy, but that's my take.
anyway, off to peel these $)#%&^ chestnuts. at least they smell good.
i made the cornbread and pie crusts yesterday, and bought all the herbs and shit the day before at this joint called vitamin cottage natural grocers. wtf?! why does everything here have to have some sort of folksy reference in order to exist? that shit wasn't no cottage - it was a damn store. get over it.
anyway. i found nice chestnuts at the korean superstore (KOREAN CHESTNUTS on the sign in big letters. i guess they're better?) and they're roasted and ready to be peeled. drat. this sort of stuff is much more fun with my sister and my grandma at the breakfast table. here i have trevor cramming for finals, singing 'she's crafty' at the top of his lungs.
this afternoon i'll slide our 11-pound birdie into a vat of chez panisse brine and call it a day. TURKEY DAY!!!!!!!! the best holiday ever. i miss being at home, but since i haven't been home for 2 years on thanksgiving and my sister and cousin are in asia on vacay, i guess having a football-playing, kegger-craving bf who enjoys my food a lot but can't cook or chop to save his life is an ok replacement. he's a good cheerleader and is willing to accept that i don't want to attend a thanksgiving day kegger with some of his peripheral friends. the description of the meal as it was pitched to me went like this: "you should go to john's house for thanksgiving. they're getting a keg and a ton of red wine." no mention of food, and so i mentally vetoed our attendance right then and there. thanksgiving is a huge ordeal (in a good way) as i was raised, and it's all about the food. as a concession, we are going over afterwards with a pumpkin pecan pie to placate trev's beer cravings. i bet he just wants to do a keg stand or a beer bong.
i also don't like eating early. this other dinner will be at 4 pm, which i find bizarre. we always eat thanksgiving, christmas, and easter dinners at dinnertime, when it's dark outside and you're extra hungry. it's weird chowing down on piles of meat and grease-soaked carbs when the sun is still out. call me crazy, but that's my take.
anyway, off to peel these $)#%&^ chestnuts. at least they smell good.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
catty is coming
not til late december or possibly january. southwest doesn't ALLOW animals now (wtf?) so i have to make other arrangements for her ass. but it's exciting! someone to keep me company during the days provided i remain unemployed through the new year. i just bought her a crate for her trip (finally), at the prodding of my sister who is sick of taking her ass to the vet all ghetto-style in one of these,
which is what i brought her home from the spca in. it's so battered she's learned to punch the top and work her way out.
we are really looking forward to getting a dog at some point, but it won't happen for a while since our building is cool with the felines but not so with the canines. sad. soon, hopefully. meanwhile we both gawk shamelessly at all of the pups that pass by in the park and the street, to the point where people probably wonder what the hell these two weirdos are staring at, and checking their noses and wiping their faces.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
clean meat
a resource for you burgeoning beyond-organic / beyond-grassfed eaters out there, the best resource i have found thus far:
http://eatwild.com/
http://eatwild.com/
60 seconds
http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/
cute idea. the topic for the day is "writing. if you had the opportunity to write as a career, what would you write?"
go!
i would write a human interest column in a paper or a well-respected blog. i would have the freedom to write about my pets as much as a cool design firm. it would be interesting, personal, and rooted in fact when it needed to be.
time's up!
cute idea. the topic for the day is "writing. if you had the opportunity to write as a career, what would you write?"
go!
i would write a human interest column in a paper or a well-respected blog. i would have the freedom to write about my pets as much as a cool design firm. it would be interesting, personal, and rooted in fact when it needed to be.
time's up!
Monday, November 10, 2008
my dilemma
so i am reading this book, one that will likely assume the title of most influential book of the decade. for me, anyway. i stole it from my dad, with promises to bring it back at christmas since he's only about a tenth of the way through.
it essentially details the progression of the industrialized american food chain from inception (roosevelt-era legislation in reaction to the depression and WWII) to today, and details some of today's more radical beyond-organic farmers. it also takes a close look at USDA guidelines for organic foods and the business of organic industrial food raising. it isn't preachy, it's more of a long, leisurely inspection - i suppose a nod to pollan's extensive journalism background.
yesterday trev and i went to safeway for weekly food shopping and to poke around at the turkeys that safeway was offering for the unlikely price of $4.99 or $7.99. in the back of my head, i am constantly re-positioning my food purchase decisions based both on what i am reading in this book and what i have learned from being a bay area-ite and having friends who are deeply immersed in beyond-organic, sustainable farming and food philosophies, and what is realistic for a household consisting of one unemployed person and one student. is whole foods any better than safeway, really? yes, likely, but whole foods is still a warehoused chain with national distribution, meaning that the organically-raised greens or free-range chickens are still trucked an average of 1500 miles to reach me. i agree wholeheartedly that i need to stop expecting food to be cheap and start thinking critically about where it comes from. i went so far as to google CSAs in colorado in an effort to buy locally. but then i think critically at my checking account, and think about the possibility of being jobless for another 3-4 months, and head to safeway or king sooper and whip out my preferred shopper card.
i am eating beef that feeds on corn instead of biologically-appropriate grass, stuffed with antibiotics to minimize infections caused by wallowing in its own manure. i am eating chickens who have never seen the light of day and are slaughtered at 7 weeks old, and are fed scraps of its own kind mixed in with antibiotics . i am eating produce slathered in pesticides and herbicides, picked by vastly underpaid migrant workers who live in deplorable conditions. i am paralyzed in the snack aisle, trying to decide between kettle chips made in boulder (locally produced!) but more expensive per ounce, or kettle chips distributed out of oregon which i can find even in china, on sale 2 bags for $6. i take so long deciding which are less evil that the elderly woman waiting for me to get the @(%*$ out of the way sighs and moves on to the next item on her list. i mumble constantly to myself, and analyze the ingredient list on every package, picking out as many corn-based ingredients as i can in an effort to disqualify each product. i select the tabasco brand bloody mary mix because it doesn't contain high fructose corn syrup. (there's thinkin!) i buy yellow squash that's grown locally instead of the california-grown artichokes that cost nearly $2 a pop. i sigh when trevor comes home with those same artichokes because he knows i love them.
it takes me over an hour to buy 10 items because i am constantly debating pros and cons in my head. mostly, the expense concern wins out. i tell myself i will buy locally when i have a job. when trevor's school loans are paid down. when we're middle aged and i'm writing books and he's negotiating mergers.
dilemma indeed.
it essentially details the progression of the industrialized american food chain from inception (roosevelt-era legislation in reaction to the depression and WWII) to today, and details some of today's more radical beyond-organic farmers. it also takes a close look at USDA guidelines for organic foods and the business of organic industrial food raising. it isn't preachy, it's more of a long, leisurely inspection - i suppose a nod to pollan's extensive journalism background.
yesterday trev and i went to safeway for weekly food shopping and to poke around at the turkeys that safeway was offering for the unlikely price of $4.99 or $7.99. in the back of my head, i am constantly re-positioning my food purchase decisions based both on what i am reading in this book and what i have learned from being a bay area-ite and having friends who are deeply immersed in beyond-organic, sustainable farming and food philosophies, and what is realistic for a household consisting of one unemployed person and one student. is whole foods any better than safeway, really? yes, likely, but whole foods is still a warehoused chain with national distribution, meaning that the organically-raised greens or free-range chickens are still trucked an average of 1500 miles to reach me. i agree wholeheartedly that i need to stop expecting food to be cheap and start thinking critically about where it comes from. i went so far as to google CSAs in colorado in an effort to buy locally. but then i think critically at my checking account, and think about the possibility of being jobless for another 3-4 months, and head to safeway or king sooper and whip out my preferred shopper card.
i am eating beef that feeds on corn instead of biologically-appropriate grass, stuffed with antibiotics to minimize infections caused by wallowing in its own manure. i am eating chickens who have never seen the light of day and are slaughtered at 7 weeks old, and are fed scraps of its own kind mixed in with antibiotics . i am eating produce slathered in pesticides and herbicides, picked by vastly underpaid migrant workers who live in deplorable conditions. i am paralyzed in the snack aisle, trying to decide between kettle chips made in boulder (locally produced!) but more expensive per ounce, or kettle chips distributed out of oregon which i can find even in china, on sale 2 bags for $6. i take so long deciding which are less evil that the elderly woman waiting for me to get the @(%*$ out of the way sighs and moves on to the next item on her list. i mumble constantly to myself, and analyze the ingredient list on every package, picking out as many corn-based ingredients as i can in an effort to disqualify each product. i select the tabasco brand bloody mary mix because it doesn't contain high fructose corn syrup. (there's thinkin!) i buy yellow squash that's grown locally instead of the california-grown artichokes that cost nearly $2 a pop. i sigh when trevor comes home with those same artichokes because he knows i love them.
it takes me over an hour to buy 10 items because i am constantly debating pros and cons in my head. mostly, the expense concern wins out. i tell myself i will buy locally when i have a job. when trevor's school loans are paid down. when we're middle aged and i'm writing books and he's negotiating mergers.
dilemma indeed.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
um, just something funny
http://www.nonchalance.org/
i just linked from sherry's blogroll and i have no idea what this website is about or who does it, but i found the randomness to be hilarious.
i just linked from sherry's blogroll and i have no idea what this website is about or who does it, but i found the randomness to be hilarious.
let's take a moment (warning: rant)
very happy about most of last night's results, not only because of the historic nature of the major event, but also because for this event, we chose the candidate whose intellect, temperament, and unifying message were what we actually needed, not what was marketed down our throats.
however, to be a total downer, would like to draw attention to california voters, who approved by 52.2% to 47.8% the ban on gay marriage, effectively worded to define marriage as between one man and one woman.
the bored busybody segment:
on a superficial plane, i just don't understand why those (who aren't part of the religious aspect of the debate) care whom marries whom. don't agree with same sex marriage? then don't marry someone of the same sex! otherwise, mind your own business!
this segment of the gay-hating population remind me of a psychotic mother of one of my schoolmates (warning #2: a long-winded story), who absolutely loathed me for reasons i can only postulate on. one guess is that i dated her daughter's ex-boyfriend after he broke up with her. another is that she was a racist fucking bitch. and yet a third is that she had frustrations about her own personal failures AND was a racist fucking bitch. anywho, she befriended the mother of my best friend, and actually wanted to brainstorm with her on how to get me out of the picture. i think that's actually how she worded it. this weirdo wanted her own daughter to be best friends with my best friend. (actually, i think she actually wanted me to be killed, but that's just my take.) thankfully, my best friend's mom declined the invitation to brainstorm, but this insane woman could frequently be found sidling into our teenaged activities, trying to be the 'cool' mom who hung out with teenagers (? that's another issue altogether. see? i told you she was nuts). regardless, she was some nosy-ass weirdo who imposed her insane mental delusions where they did not belong, and made me ask myself, "why are there people out there so bored that they act crazy? why don't these people go and get jobs and work their asses off like my parents, who don't have time to attmept to engineer relationships between 16-year olds? why can't she use her time constructively, like volunteering at a shelter, or start smoking bomb and roasting chickens to satiate her munchies, or doing something more interesting with their time?" so my take on one portion of the prop 8 supporters is that they are fucking busybodies who need to get a fucking life and stay out of everyone else's.
the jesus freaks:
the major segment of same sex marriage opponents cite religion as the reason. i read that churches fear that prop 8's failure to pass will force their religious institutions to recognize gay marriage in their church, and will prevent them from disallowing gay marriage ceremonies. this makes me wonder about their core beliefs on homosexuality. i want these people to clearly state for me what you think of homosexuality (from where it stems, why people are gay, and etc.) and then answer my questions below:
however, to be a total downer, would like to draw attention to california voters, who approved by 52.2% to 47.8% the ban on gay marriage, effectively worded to define marriage as between one man and one woman.
the bored busybody segment:
on a superficial plane, i just don't understand why those (who aren't part of the religious aspect of the debate) care whom marries whom. don't agree with same sex marriage? then don't marry someone of the same sex! otherwise, mind your own business!
this segment of the gay-hating population remind me of a psychotic mother of one of my schoolmates (warning #2: a long-winded story), who absolutely loathed me for reasons i can only postulate on. one guess is that i dated her daughter's ex-boyfriend after he broke up with her. another is that she was a racist fucking bitch. and yet a third is that she had frustrations about her own personal failures AND was a racist fucking bitch. anywho, she befriended the mother of my best friend, and actually wanted to brainstorm with her on how to get me out of the picture. i think that's actually how she worded it. this weirdo wanted her own daughter to be best friends with my best friend. (actually, i think she actually wanted me to be killed, but that's just my take.) thankfully, my best friend's mom declined the invitation to brainstorm, but this insane woman could frequently be found sidling into our teenaged activities, trying to be the 'cool' mom who hung out with teenagers (? that's another issue altogether. see? i told you she was nuts). regardless, she was some nosy-ass weirdo who imposed her insane mental delusions where they did not belong, and made me ask myself, "why are there people out there so bored that they act crazy? why don't these people go and get jobs and work their asses off like my parents, who don't have time to attmept to engineer relationships between 16-year olds? why can't she use her time constructively, like volunteering at a shelter, or start smoking bomb and roasting chickens to satiate her munchies, or doing something more interesting with their time?" so my take on one portion of the prop 8 supporters is that they are fucking busybodies who need to get a fucking life and stay out of everyone else's.
the jesus freaks:
the major segment of same sex marriage opponents cite religion as the reason. i read that churches fear that prop 8's failure to pass will force their religious institutions to recognize gay marriage in their church, and will prevent them from disallowing gay marriage ceremonies. this makes me wonder about their core beliefs on homosexuality. i want these people to clearly state for me what you think of homosexuality (from where it stems, why people are gay, and etc.) and then answer my questions below:
- do you believe that being gay is a mindset? that it is a result of watching too much tv or reading the devil's work or playing video games or hanging out with heathens?
- do you believe that people can be de-programmed of their homosexuality?
- do you believe that people are intentionally choosing to occupy a portion of the population that is discriminated against and continuously harassed? against whom there are violent acts every day? who are beaten to death in numerous countries as a matter of religious expression? why do you think a person would subject him/herself to this instead of taking the easy 'n straight road? you think they just enjoy a good challenge?
- how does one rid oneself of gayness?
- would you disown your child if he or she was gay? refuse to see him or her again?
- bonus question: didn't god preach tolerance and forgiveness above all? don't most of you believe that the big jc got nailed to a cross and then forgave the people holding the hammers? did he withhold this forgiveness from the gay hammer-holders? does he only love his straight followers?
- bonus + question: regardless of whether you bigots believe that a person "chooses" to be or is born gay, do you realize that you support stripping citizens of their civil rights? that they should not be allowed to do what straight couples can do in legalizing their bond for social recognition or legal protection?
- bonus ++ question: what do you think of willa cather, ellen degeneres, rock hudson, abraham lincoln, elton john, harvey milk, kevin spacey, william burroughs, tobias wong, jodie foster, david sedaris, alan cumming, queen latifah, james baldwin, beth ditto, sheryl swoopes, tom ford, k.d. lang, annie leibovitz, cole porter?
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Monday, November 03, 2008
sunny and 60s
feeling low this morning. or slow. often they are one and the same, or just difficult to distinguish from one another, or one begets the other. i didn't realize that there were midnight trains that ran through denver, or that they were within earshot of our apartment, but ran they did last night. noisily.
after a double-workout sunday, the exercise slate is clean today. the apartment, however, is not. trevor is ever so fond of the falling leaves of autumn, and demonstrates this by leaving bits of twigs and leaves everywhere. they fall from his cuffs when he sits on the futon, dangle from his bike tires, fall from the hoods of his jackets. it's from riding to and from school every day, but sometimes i don't wonder if he makes a pit stop on the way, leans his bike against a tree, and rolls in piles of leaves when no one is around. after a few beers, maybe.
i'm new to the fallen leaves phenomenon. i think every bay area neighborhood had a couple of trees here and there that shed leaves, but nothing like the piles that accumulate under trees, on my car, in my apartment here. at the risk of sounding grinchy, autumn is leaving a very messy impression on me. so i suppose the agenda today will consist of standing up from the futon and the endless job search (and resulting soul search) and sweeping this joint down. i'm finding bits of leaves on my bath towel, for the love of god.
after a double-workout sunday, the exercise slate is clean today. the apartment, however, is not. trevor is ever so fond of the falling leaves of autumn, and demonstrates this by leaving bits of twigs and leaves everywhere. they fall from his cuffs when he sits on the futon, dangle from his bike tires, fall from the hoods of his jackets. it's from riding to and from school every day, but sometimes i don't wonder if he makes a pit stop on the way, leans his bike against a tree, and rolls in piles of leaves when no one is around. after a few beers, maybe.
i'm new to the fallen leaves phenomenon. i think every bay area neighborhood had a couple of trees here and there that shed leaves, but nothing like the piles that accumulate under trees, on my car, in my apartment here. at the risk of sounding grinchy, autumn is leaving a very messy impression on me. so i suppose the agenda today will consist of standing up from the futon and the endless job search (and resulting soul search) and sweeping this joint down. i'm finding bits of leaves on my bath towel, for the love of god.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)