i'm sure that you've gotten at least once over email that dumb, allegedly dalai lama-based personality test where you are asked 4-5 questions and your entire personality is encapsulated by the symbolism behind your choices based on the dalai lama's beliefs or whatever. you know, the one where you rank your favorite animal - horse, sheep, cow, tiger. i always pick tiger first, which, at the end, you discover means that you choose pride over everything else - family, career, and love. and, having often been accused of being emotionless and overly logical (fuck that, i'm an aquarius. it's comes with the territory), this comes as no big surprise. it's kinda just par for the course.
this brings me to my next subject, a rather niggling situation that one friend likes to refer dramatically as an 'incident' last saturday night.
i wouldn't even be writing about it here if the drama hadn't kept continuing up to today. it's laughable, actually.
i'll tell you a story. there was once this girl who decided to move to shanghai and escape her life for a while. she lived with her best friend and for several months she had a great time, meeting lots of new people, going to parties, and relaxing in a way that she never could while she was living in her home country. one of the friends she made in shanghai was a boy that her friends kept teasing her about, that he liked her a lot and all this shit. in truth, the boy was very nice but they were just friends and he had a penchant for flirting with everything in his path and making out with lots of girls in front of her. she didn't mind this because she figured someone who really liked her wouldn't do something like that, so her friends must be exaggerating.
the boy decided to leave shanghai and so he did. meanwhile, life went on and the girl had a few adventures of her own before her birthday rolled around. the boy had been alluding to coming back to shanghai for a visit, for 'fun' and to 'take care of some work things.' her birthday night came and he arrived as a surprise, which wasn't actually a surprise but for some reason it seemed important that she pretend she was surprised. since she always picks the tiger first, she didn't act that surprised but it was nice to see her friend and she thought they were all bound for a great night.
the night progressed and the boy was acting a little strange, disappearing a lot and re-appearing once in a while to grind against the girl's female friends and other random girls in the crowd. since this is normal behavior for him, the girl thought nothing of it. then, at the end of the night, the girl's manolos were killing her so she was sitting down, watching her friends act like the drunken fools they are, and relaxing. the boy comes over and sits down and launches into her about how mad he is at her and that she's so cold to him. then he leans over and kisses her and jams his tongue in her mouth. the girl, finding this rude and offensive, pushes him off and tells him to get a grip. and he continues his tirade, telling her all sorts of things and basically gives her an ultimatum. the girl, not liking being pressured, not wanting to discuss this at 3 AM in a loud club with a very drunk friend, and not at ALL liking his tone of voice, tells hims that she is not discussing it at the moment. the boy storms off and the girl and her best friend go home as they are tired and it is late.
the next day, the boy talks to a mutual friend and says that he barely remembered what happened the previous night. the girl thought he might call her so they can get things straight, but he doesn't and since she isn't the one that blew up with all the emotion, she believes the ball is in his court.
the day after, the boy calls two of the girl's friends to invite them to dinner.
two days after that, the boy decides to plan a party for the weekend and invites the girl's friends (whom she introduced him to) and specifically tells another friend that he is not inviting the girl. fortunately for the boy, the girl is going out of town with her friends (which the boy knew before making that big statement about not inviting her, but whatever) and doesn't care about his juvenile attempts at manipulation, but does find it incredibly lame that he seems to be making a lot of effort to randomly invite her friends to places.
never at any point in time does the boy make any effort to call the girl to discuss. this, the girl finds really dumb. more dumb than the inviting-your-friends bullshit. the girl is going to be 30 in a year and can genuinely use this as a reason not to engage in immature games. but, she is rather puzzled at the vehemence with which the boy appears to be trying to attack her social life. it's baffling, among other things. there are times when the girl imagines kicking the boy's ass through his face, but that's just stooping to his level and isn't a reasonable reaction, just a brief and visceral one for trying to fuck with her.
meanwhile, throughout all of this, the girl walks with the tiger at her side. it has kept her company her entire life and keeps her strong when she has needed it most.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
sleepy
man i'm tired. so the birthday celebration was last night, lots of fun. we started off at bali laguna for dinner (tried to go to lost heaven, a new restaurant that serves yunnan cuisine, but it was overbooked) and had a really nice time. ulf gifted us with a bottle of champagne, which was really nice. cyn had the syzygy kitchen make this really fabulous birthday apple crumble tart (i'm not a big fan of cake), which came out really yummy and even had a happy b-day wish on a white chocolate placard on top. christoph brought goodies from austria (i now own a bear that yodels, which kodi covets enviously), and linda /tang/tac/ alvin bought me a robe, which i really wanted because morning showers in unheated bathrooms are sometimes rather chilly. it's super soft.
here are some pics, altho i don't have any from the dinner yet. i'll have to get david and tac's photos from them. we went to glamour first, but all of the photos are from attica, where we went after.
i wish the camera was slightly to the right so we could see more of cyn's face.
tang, tac, david, ni nie
is that david?
tang, chris, linda
here are some pics, altho i don't have any from the dinner yet. i'll have to get david and tac's photos from them. we went to glamour first, but all of the photos are from attica, where we went after.
i wish the camera was slightly to the right so we could see more of cyn's face.
tang, tac, david, ni nie
is that david?
tang, chris, linda
Friday, January 26, 2007
fuck you if you suck
an excerpt of what i just wrote to my friend mhat in an email regarding my current status:
'a somewhat bummed-out almost 29-year old corporate wash up wannabe writer. '
that's me.
[an aside - i have to give credit where credit is due. erik coined the corporate wash up phrase that i found to be so brilliantly self-defining that i had to incorporate it into my identity somehow. because some days it's all i feel like i've accomplished.]
re-discovering something that i learned in college and the reason i never pursued journalism afterwards - i really don't think i'm a journalist. it sucks to pitch article ideas that have to fit into the framework of a business called publishing. you mean what i write actually has to pertain to something? have some sort of relevance to a group of people? that sucks. so here i have committed to a business publication to writing 800 - 1000 words about how china missed their environmental targets in their 5-year plan, and the impact in businesses in china because of this. uh, hello? are you asleep yet? can you believe i pitched that idea to the editor? i can't, either. this from a girl who finds it much more socially impactful to read about a new eyeliner formulation. i can't help it, i'm like professor altieri. my life studies are like walking through the louvre and ending up at the gift shop.
and why the hell is blogger showing up today all in hanzi? i can only make out a few characters here and there. good thing blogger buttons are color-coded so i know which ones to push once this entry is done. beep!
i'm feeling kinda aggro right now, if you can't tell. so even tho i'm not naming names, i want to issue a blanket statement: fuck you if you suck. you know who you are. even if you don't know me, if you're doing something to someone that makes them feel bad, in whatever shape or form, just know that you're creating a little ball of hate for yourself in the universe. visualize a little burning ball of flames, barreling towards you because of something shitty you've said, or some offhand thing you've done and maybe registered on a superficial level that it was kinda selfish or lame but then didn't give it another thought. well, think about it and do something to rectify it. or that ball of flames is going to imbed itself in your face and burn the skin off your cheek, you jerk. and you'll have this raw, meaty, part-blackened portion of your face and everyone will look at you and scream and run away in terror. and THEN how you gonna feel, you selfish turd?!?!
how's this for random - last night i left my heated blanket at a club. no, it's not some encrypted code for something else. i really did leave my heated blanket at a club last night.
'a somewhat bummed-out almost 29-year old corporate wash up wannabe writer. '
that's me.
[an aside - i have to give credit where credit is due. erik coined the corporate wash up phrase that i found to be so brilliantly self-defining that i had to incorporate it into my identity somehow. because some days it's all i feel like i've accomplished.]
re-discovering something that i learned in college and the reason i never pursued journalism afterwards - i really don't think i'm a journalist. it sucks to pitch article ideas that have to fit into the framework of a business called publishing. you mean what i write actually has to pertain to something? have some sort of relevance to a group of people? that sucks. so here i have committed to a business publication to writing 800 - 1000 words about how china missed their environmental targets in their 5-year plan, and the impact in businesses in china because of this. uh, hello? are you asleep yet? can you believe i pitched that idea to the editor? i can't, either. this from a girl who finds it much more socially impactful to read about a new eyeliner formulation. i can't help it, i'm like professor altieri. my life studies are like walking through the louvre and ending up at the gift shop.
and why the hell is blogger showing up today all in hanzi? i can only make out a few characters here and there. good thing blogger buttons are color-coded so i know which ones to push once this entry is done. beep!
i'm feeling kinda aggro right now, if you can't tell. so even tho i'm not naming names, i want to issue a blanket statement: fuck you if you suck. you know who you are. even if you don't know me, if you're doing something to someone that makes them feel bad, in whatever shape or form, just know that you're creating a little ball of hate for yourself in the universe. visualize a little burning ball of flames, barreling towards you because of something shitty you've said, or some offhand thing you've done and maybe registered on a superficial level that it was kinda selfish or lame but then didn't give it another thought. well, think about it and do something to rectify it. or that ball of flames is going to imbed itself in your face and burn the skin off your cheek, you jerk. and you'll have this raw, meaty, part-blackened portion of your face and everyone will look at you and scream and run away in terror. and THEN how you gonna feel, you selfish turd?!?!
how's this for random - last night i left my heated blanket at a club. no, it's not some encrypted code for something else. i really did leave my heated blanket at a club last night.
Monday, January 22, 2007
twinges
... of my old self. i don't know if it's the weather or the water or what, but loner / grumpy carolyn is emerging again. noises seems really loud and jarring, interactions with people i normally like are trying my patience and make me feel tired. not a good feeling for the birthday week. i feel like it takes energy just to make people think i feel normal when i really feel like throwing an elbow into a throat and watching the person choke.
i think i'm tired. forgot about the 3 espresso shots i had yesterday plus countless cups of tea and slept like someone was dripping water on my head at random intervals. i came home after a not very long day and it felt like it had been a long day. i really miss my bed at home and my fucking expensive italian sheets and 800-gram weight turkish bath towels and knowing where to go for things and being able to talk to people without a struggle. god. i've been looking at restaurants for my birthday dinner and i just want to scream. i feel like i can't trust the restaurant reviewer because he or she has probably never had any previous experience reviewing restaurants and i feel doubtful that my opinion and his/hers will align.i want something languorous and dimly lit, i want beauty and seduction in a venue. i want good food and i want to be surrounded by people that make me happy and relaxed and i want them to have a good time and i want to have a good time, and i want to feel secure and not have to worry about people's feelings all the time. especially mine.
wah wah wah. my mom would probably look at me right now if i was saying this to her, and tell me i need a nap.
i think i'm tired. forgot about the 3 espresso shots i had yesterday plus countless cups of tea and slept like someone was dripping water on my head at random intervals. i came home after a not very long day and it felt like it had been a long day. i really miss my bed at home and my fucking expensive italian sheets and 800-gram weight turkish bath towels and knowing where to go for things and being able to talk to people without a struggle. god. i've been looking at restaurants for my birthday dinner and i just want to scream. i feel like i can't trust the restaurant reviewer because he or she has probably never had any previous experience reviewing restaurants and i feel doubtful that my opinion and his/hers will align.i want something languorous and dimly lit, i want beauty and seduction in a venue. i want good food and i want to be surrounded by people that make me happy and relaxed and i want them to have a good time and i want to have a good time, and i want to feel secure and not have to worry about people's feelings all the time. especially mine.
wah wah wah. my mom would probably look at me right now if i was saying this to her, and tell me i need a nap.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
btw
i saw a prius on the road yesterday. my taxi swerved around it, as they are wont to do. so i guess they do have hybrids in china.... or maybe it was a fake, but it looked real.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
close your eyes
...and what is it that you think about? i did not grow up under the umbrella of any sort of religion, so when i do my chants and close my eyes, i can't help but feel like i'm cheating, like i'm praying when i don't actually believe in praying. usually, i think about everyone i care about, i picture their faces, i think of them and that they do well and continue to be healthy and find strength in themselves and happiness if they're not currently experiencing or owning it. daishonin buddhism teaches you to chant for what you want, a dumbed-down version (to me) of basically saying, take time to think about your shit, your situation, what you want out of it, and focus, goddamn you. i mean, it's much nicer than that, but sometimes it takes the ritual habitual to make us shut off the tv, dim the lights, and think about ourselves. and as selfish as that sounds, it's when i think about myself that i find the energy and the emotional capacity to think about others. i believe that we all have the capability to get what we really want out of something, we just have to put forth the effort, and focus our internal tractor beams.
i am uncomfortable with saying out loud that i practice a religion. i don't consider this a religion, i think of it as a sort of general guidance. there are no hard-and-fast rules about it, i've delved into it, then stopped, then started, then stopped, and i think my happy medium is not attending meetings and making gung-ho speeches (i will never be comfortable with that, i'm too contrarian and aquarian) but it's the chanting and the inner focus that i practice on my own. i probably will never admit that i subscribe to a religion, and i use the word admit only because i think other people consider buddhism to be a religion. and maybe it is in some forms and to some people. but it's not to me, it helps me with things. i'm still an athiest, there are no deities in my world.
i spent the day alone. wasn't planning to, but today was one of those days where i really felt the need to recharge internally. having someone around probably would have only added to the noise in my head. sherry and i went out last night, and i woke up this morning feeling like i needed quiet, and i don't mean a hangover. made myself breakfast, went on a long run with the dog, did abs and lower back stuff, parked on the sofa and ordered a pizza. indulgence. i like a day where i can do a little of everything - be physical, be lazy, watch TV, be productive. my head just feels like its buzzing and i needed a day like this. quiet house, quiet head.
last night, first we went to MoCA for this jazz showcase where we met up with Spanish Eric, his sister, and some others. spent a good part of the night watching the show and giggling - sherry is a music major from Cal and she was teaching me things like how to identify a good drummer, and explaining why one saxophonist was better than the other. after that she and i headed to glamour bar, and received yet another showcase, this one impromptu. it was gay night or something, and there was a gaggle of people cuttin the rug. i mean, like the 'end up' at 4 in the morning, but worse dancing and outfits. having been very used to being around what i'm slowly realizing are the cream of the crop of the gay world in the bay area, i'm always pretty snotty when i encounter gay dudes who clearly don't have the whole routine down yet - the good clothes, the hard body, the perfect hair, and the undisputed ability to shake their asses. the main guy last night got an A for effort - no pillar was left unrubbed, nobody in his group went un-humped - but he's got nothing on my hometown. still, good to see the diversity kicked up a bit in a 'normal' place like glamour.
i am uncomfortable with saying out loud that i practice a religion. i don't consider this a religion, i think of it as a sort of general guidance. there are no hard-and-fast rules about it, i've delved into it, then stopped, then started, then stopped, and i think my happy medium is not attending meetings and making gung-ho speeches (i will never be comfortable with that, i'm too contrarian and aquarian) but it's the chanting and the inner focus that i practice on my own. i probably will never admit that i subscribe to a religion, and i use the word admit only because i think other people consider buddhism to be a religion. and maybe it is in some forms and to some people. but it's not to me, it helps me with things. i'm still an athiest, there are no deities in my world.
i spent the day alone. wasn't planning to, but today was one of those days where i really felt the need to recharge internally. having someone around probably would have only added to the noise in my head. sherry and i went out last night, and i woke up this morning feeling like i needed quiet, and i don't mean a hangover. made myself breakfast, went on a long run with the dog, did abs and lower back stuff, parked on the sofa and ordered a pizza. indulgence. i like a day where i can do a little of everything - be physical, be lazy, watch TV, be productive. my head just feels like its buzzing and i needed a day like this. quiet house, quiet head.
last night, first we went to MoCA for this jazz showcase where we met up with Spanish Eric, his sister, and some others. spent a good part of the night watching the show and giggling - sherry is a music major from Cal and she was teaching me things like how to identify a good drummer, and explaining why one saxophonist was better than the other. after that she and i headed to glamour bar, and received yet another showcase, this one impromptu. it was gay night or something, and there was a gaggle of people cuttin the rug. i mean, like the 'end up' at 4 in the morning, but worse dancing and outfits. having been very used to being around what i'm slowly realizing are the cream of the crop of the gay world in the bay area, i'm always pretty snotty when i encounter gay dudes who clearly don't have the whole routine down yet - the good clothes, the hard body, the perfect hair, and the undisputed ability to shake their asses. the main guy last night got an A for effort - no pillar was left unrubbed, nobody in his group went un-humped - but he's got nothing on my hometown. still, good to see the diversity kicked up a bit in a 'normal' place like glamour.
Friday, January 19, 2007
finally!
sherry's pics from cyn's birthday dinner (happy!) which we combined with jody's going-away (sad!). mix ingredients together and bake at 350 degrees for 10-15 minutes. yield - 24 cookies and hella drunkass folks.
gregor, jody, alvin (feeling under the weather), linda
started off w/ dinner at south beauty (sichuan). birthday girl looking dazed already? must be the chiles.
velvet lounge - our first stop. clockwise beginning bottom left: david, ross, jer's head, frank, some danish (?) guy, gregor's body
frank - learning a little salsa
ulf and sherry... doing god knows what
frank dubbed them the lesbian twins... jody and sherry doing what they do best
at dragon late late later that night... jer making merry and some random couple snuggling
gregor, jody, alvin (feeling under the weather), linda
started off w/ dinner at south beauty (sichuan). birthday girl looking dazed already? must be the chiles.
velvet lounge - our first stop. clockwise beginning bottom left: david, ross, jer's head, frank, some danish (?) guy, gregor's body
frank - learning a little salsa
ulf and sherry... doing god knows what
frank dubbed them the lesbian twins... jody and sherry doing what they do best
at dragon late late later that night... jer making merry and some random couple snuggling
Thursday, January 18, 2007
a slow pivot
currently listening to: john mayer's continuum
currently reading: wicked, the life and times of the wicked witch of the west by gregory maguire
two good things so far. can't stop listening to continuum, and i never would've normally considered john mayer. i think of him as the dude who wrote about jennifer love hewitt's wonderland body (barf, barf...) and is dating jessica simpson. talk about taste in ditzes. but this album is a little bluesier and very listenable. chill. sound musicianship. what can i say. it's like what under the table and dreaming was to me in high school, i guess.
spent seriously and literally 10 hours working on the copy for this catering packet. i'll be happy to never ever have to look up synonyms for 'service' and 'sumptuous' and 'delicious' and 'refined' again. i mean, i greatly prefer this to building tedious excel spreadsheets, but 10 hours of anything makes your eyeballs spin. tomorrow i go to my 'graduation' from the language program (read: need the certificate to renew my visa) and to meet 2 korean children for whom i am supposed to be tutoring english. how scary is that? parents are considering putting the english language future of their offspring in my hands. i'm afraid i'm going to be incredibly bored, like i usually am when i work with kids. i just don't get excited being around children. too many years of it, i suppose. either teaching them to swim, or watching them chase each other in circles and then cry, serving them food or wiping little butts, or helping them with piano. good lord. i've come full circle. i'm doing the same shit i was doing when i was 14.
so, the ennui (thanks, shawn, for my word of the day) i've been rolling around in for the past few weeks is slowly easing. can't say if it has to do with a break in the clouds of unemployment, or the fact that cyn and i have finally committed to going to vietnam (diving! rock climbing! pho! i can't wait), or if i've realized once again with the help of my friends that i need to keep a balance going in my life, but it's definitely lessening. gone are the feelings of worthlessness and now i'm just feeling busy and cursing the gods that created visas and passports. more on that later. i just sometimes want to fall to my knees in desperation and implore the visa gods to make me a citizen of the world instead of having to deal with all of these formalities and fees and unclear regulations. jesus. mah fan like you would not believe.
so in my directionless 'blue period' (picasso i am not, but it's a good phrase) i was almost reveling in my misery. it was like being a teenager all over again. you feel like shit all the time and heartbreak seems to come with every little disappointment, but it's almost a good pain. in my past, it was the pain that brought on an onslaught of creativity, so i used to almost welcome it. becoming an adult seems to mean that stability comes with a lack of creative madness. so many adolescent nights were spent writing in tears (oh, the drama!), but some of the stuff that came of it was pretty good. when i was home, i was digging through boxes of old writing and re-reading some of my things. there was talent there, at one point. i think it might be gone now, or in an alarmingly long hibernation period. what is it about angst and anguish that makes us our most poignant?
in other news, i finished my exams on monday (hence, the graduation. however - and surprisingly to me - graduation and passing are are not related terms). chinese is not something you can cram for, believe me. you either do your daily diligence and commit the 25 characters to memory, or you're screwed. i can't say i didn't study like that in college, but it definitely gave berkeley exams a run for its money, just on the difficulty of the subject alone. plus i had all 3 exams on the same day, which was crap bullshit ridonkulous. the stress of that i think helped jolt me back into reality, and out of my low-flying existence. we're all worthless to a certain extent. it's completely subjective, the worth of an individual. i don't do charity work and recycling in china is impossible, but i'd venture to say that my mom would disagree that i'm a pimple on the ass of humanity. the only thing i can say in my defense is that sometimes i think i'm a good friend, and i'm brutally honest (positive, in my mind), and i can sure sniff out a sale, even if can't even read the signs. this doesn't add up to 'contributing member of society' to most people, but i think that this value system, this commerce of human worth is a very western way of looking at life. it's the plague of the fortunate, to increasingly feel responsible for carrying a certain amount of weight in a very specific way. i'm not saying it's not a good philosophy - you should always strive to be fundamentally good in a general sense of the word - but because i've never volunteered at a soup kitchen or helped build houses in honduras... does that mean i don't deserve to be here? i don't feel particularly convinced by either side.
currently reading: wicked, the life and times of the wicked witch of the west by gregory maguire
two good things so far. can't stop listening to continuum, and i never would've normally considered john mayer. i think of him as the dude who wrote about jennifer love hewitt's wonderland body (barf, barf...) and is dating jessica simpson. talk about taste in ditzes. but this album is a little bluesier and very listenable. chill. sound musicianship. what can i say. it's like what under the table and dreaming was to me in high school, i guess.
spent seriously and literally 10 hours working on the copy for this catering packet. i'll be happy to never ever have to look up synonyms for 'service' and 'sumptuous' and 'delicious' and 'refined' again. i mean, i greatly prefer this to building tedious excel spreadsheets, but 10 hours of anything makes your eyeballs spin. tomorrow i go to my 'graduation' from the language program (read: need the certificate to renew my visa) and to meet 2 korean children for whom i am supposed to be tutoring english. how scary is that? parents are considering putting the english language future of their offspring in my hands. i'm afraid i'm going to be incredibly bored, like i usually am when i work with kids. i just don't get excited being around children. too many years of it, i suppose. either teaching them to swim, or watching them chase each other in circles and then cry, serving them food or wiping little butts, or helping them with piano. good lord. i've come full circle. i'm doing the same shit i was doing when i was 14.
so, the ennui (thanks, shawn, for my word of the day) i've been rolling around in for the past few weeks is slowly easing. can't say if it has to do with a break in the clouds of unemployment, or the fact that cyn and i have finally committed to going to vietnam (diving! rock climbing! pho! i can't wait), or if i've realized once again with the help of my friends that i need to keep a balance going in my life, but it's definitely lessening. gone are the feelings of worthlessness and now i'm just feeling busy and cursing the gods that created visas and passports. more on that later. i just sometimes want to fall to my knees in desperation and implore the visa gods to make me a citizen of the world instead of having to deal with all of these formalities and fees and unclear regulations. jesus. mah fan like you would not believe.
so in my directionless 'blue period' (picasso i am not, but it's a good phrase) i was almost reveling in my misery. it was like being a teenager all over again. you feel like shit all the time and heartbreak seems to come with every little disappointment, but it's almost a good pain. in my past, it was the pain that brought on an onslaught of creativity, so i used to almost welcome it. becoming an adult seems to mean that stability comes with a lack of creative madness. so many adolescent nights were spent writing in tears (oh, the drama!), but some of the stuff that came of it was pretty good. when i was home, i was digging through boxes of old writing and re-reading some of my things. there was talent there, at one point. i think it might be gone now, or in an alarmingly long hibernation period. what is it about angst and anguish that makes us our most poignant?
in other news, i finished my exams on monday (hence, the graduation. however - and surprisingly to me - graduation and passing are are not related terms). chinese is not something you can cram for, believe me. you either do your daily diligence and commit the 25 characters to memory, or you're screwed. i can't say i didn't study like that in college, but it definitely gave berkeley exams a run for its money, just on the difficulty of the subject alone. plus i had all 3 exams on the same day, which was crap bullshit ridonkulous. the stress of that i think helped jolt me back into reality, and out of my low-flying existence. we're all worthless to a certain extent. it's completely subjective, the worth of an individual. i don't do charity work and recycling in china is impossible, but i'd venture to say that my mom would disagree that i'm a pimple on the ass of humanity. the only thing i can say in my defense is that sometimes i think i'm a good friend, and i'm brutally honest (positive, in my mind), and i can sure sniff out a sale, even if can't even read the signs. this doesn't add up to 'contributing member of society' to most people, but i think that this value system, this commerce of human worth is a very western way of looking at life. it's the plague of the fortunate, to increasingly feel responsible for carrying a certain amount of weight in a very specific way. i'm not saying it's not a good philosophy - you should always strive to be fundamentally good in a general sense of the word - but because i've never volunteered at a soup kitchen or helped build houses in honduras... does that mean i don't deserve to be here? i don't feel particularly convinced by either side.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
happy holidays from the surhs, the lius, and one kim
for xmas eve we always have fresh crab, yummy...
how cute is g'ma in her xmas hoodie?
ada and ck goofing around, dad taking care of business
mommy
the lius at g'ma's birthday celebration
and it wouldn't be xmas without the requisite pic of scarlett in her santa hat. doesn't she look pleased?
Friday, January 05, 2007
back in SH
I don’t know, just feeling a little blue. Normally I hate hearing ‘post-holiday blahs’ because I’m a January birthday and we January babies just don’t trip off it… but I’m kinda thinking that’s what’s going on. Coming back from being home was really weird, I felt like I was living in the hush just following a night spent in a really loud club or concert. You know what I mean – walking out of the door into the cold air and feeling almost like there’s a vacuum in your ears, it’s so quiet. My first couple days back were ethereal – noises were too loud, lights too bright.
Being home was really great – awesome to see my family, of course, and I squoze in as many peoples as I could. CK and I even went up to Tahoe and boarded for a day. It was so friggin busy, though. I’ve never before experienced coming home for a visit. I’ve always just… been home. So between the holiday itself (gift-shopping, which I was a miserable failure at, and food-prep since we always host big holiday meals) there was the unfortunate 3-day hangover/jetlag combo (long story that will go untold), and then little things like getting my teeth cleaned and running around buying people the stuff that I promised I’d bring back (note to self: never again). I think also that people have expectations of you, that you’re going to help with this and go with them to do that… and somehow don’t realize or care that you don’t necessarily have the time or desire to do all of it. I’ve always been a big one for alone time; I just can’t and won’t spend every waking moment in someone else’s company. It exhausts me emotionally to not have some space to be quiet and decompress and regroup. I’m a true introvert. But staying with your parents and your sister and your grandma and your cat and their dog… can be a circus, and one that makes an introvert like me feel pressured and tired and eventually grumpy. Thankfully, my family is really the bomb and the grumpiness was usually just a flash in the pan, but it makes you realize how much you’ve matured (as it were). As a little kid I think I always wanted to be surrounded by people, and now as a fully matured semi-recluse it’s funny to see how I’ve changed.
Speaking of change, plans here in SH are shifting. Am wondering if an additional semester of school is going to be feasible since I now have to be financially accountable for myself in some way. Started the ball rolling on the freelance thing, but considering the visa situation that might be a less than stellar idea. Considering full-time employment and so I’ve dusted off the resume and am revising and sending out to people for opinions. Anybody want to give me a nice-paying job and a visa? I’d like to write about personal crap for a living, thank you. It seems one of the only things I can continue to do without tiring of it, although one wonders.
Full-time work again. Sigh.
Upon touching down December 18th, I went with my sister and cousin to Tartine on 18th and Guerrero. Shawn met us there. Walking in the Mission was so strange – I got to see the City as a visitor and I finally understood why everyone says that it’s so beautiful. It is. Plus the air was so clear and the sun was out… Dolores Park in the backdrop. I finally understood, but it didn’t make me homesick. Just appreciative. SH has got some fugly-ass buildings and the air always seems hazy. I wouldn’t plan on staying here in the long term if only for the pollution concerns. I got an email from a former colleague, whose recent news included, among other things, having just bought a Prius. She asked if we had hybrid cars here and I had to laugh. Nope. I’m shocked that the hybrid thing has become trendy in the States (isn’t it always about trends?). One of my dreams when I’m rich and famous is to design my own house, and for that house to be as eco-friendly as possible. This past summer there was a homes tour – I think in Berkeley – of so-called green homes and I wanted to go, but it took place after I left. I think it’s one of the coolest things ever: reclaimed railroad ties made into stairs, or a countertop or something. Neat.
Being home was really great – awesome to see my family, of course, and I squoze in as many peoples as I could. CK and I even went up to Tahoe and boarded for a day. It was so friggin busy, though. I’ve never before experienced coming home for a visit. I’ve always just… been home. So between the holiday itself (gift-shopping, which I was a miserable failure at, and food-prep since we always host big holiday meals) there was the unfortunate 3-day hangover/jetlag combo (long story that will go untold), and then little things like getting my teeth cleaned and running around buying people the stuff that I promised I’d bring back (note to self: never again). I think also that people have expectations of you, that you’re going to help with this and go with them to do that… and somehow don’t realize or care that you don’t necessarily have the time or desire to do all of it. I’ve always been a big one for alone time; I just can’t and won’t spend every waking moment in someone else’s company. It exhausts me emotionally to not have some space to be quiet and decompress and regroup. I’m a true introvert. But staying with your parents and your sister and your grandma and your cat and their dog… can be a circus, and one that makes an introvert like me feel pressured and tired and eventually grumpy. Thankfully, my family is really the bomb and the grumpiness was usually just a flash in the pan, but it makes you realize how much you’ve matured (as it were). As a little kid I think I always wanted to be surrounded by people, and now as a fully matured semi-recluse it’s funny to see how I’ve changed.
Speaking of change, plans here in SH are shifting. Am wondering if an additional semester of school is going to be feasible since I now have to be financially accountable for myself in some way. Started the ball rolling on the freelance thing, but considering the visa situation that might be a less than stellar idea. Considering full-time employment and so I’ve dusted off the resume and am revising and sending out to people for opinions. Anybody want to give me a nice-paying job and a visa? I’d like to write about personal crap for a living, thank you. It seems one of the only things I can continue to do without tiring of it, although one wonders.
Full-time work again. Sigh.
Upon touching down December 18th, I went with my sister and cousin to Tartine on 18th and Guerrero. Shawn met us there. Walking in the Mission was so strange – I got to see the City as a visitor and I finally understood why everyone says that it’s so beautiful. It is. Plus the air was so clear and the sun was out… Dolores Park in the backdrop. I finally understood, but it didn’t make me homesick. Just appreciative. SH has got some fugly-ass buildings and the air always seems hazy. I wouldn’t plan on staying here in the long term if only for the pollution concerns. I got an email from a former colleague, whose recent news included, among other things, having just bought a Prius. She asked if we had hybrid cars here and I had to laugh. Nope. I’m shocked that the hybrid thing has become trendy in the States (isn’t it always about trends?). One of my dreams when I’m rich and famous is to design my own house, and for that house to be as eco-friendly as possible. This past summer there was a homes tour – I think in Berkeley – of so-called green homes and I wanted to go, but it took place after I left. I think it’s one of the coolest things ever: reclaimed railroad ties made into stairs, or a countertop or something. Neat.
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