twinges

... of my old self. i don't know if it's the weather or the water or what, but loner / grumpy carolyn is emerging again. noises seems really loud and jarring, interactions with people i normally like are trying my patience and make me feel tired. not a good feeling for the birthday week. i feel like it takes energy just to make people think i feel normal when i really feel like throwing an elbow into a throat and watching the person choke.

i think i'm tired. forgot about the 3 espresso shots i had yesterday plus countless cups of tea and slept like someone was dripping water on my head at random intervals. i came home after a not very long day and it felt like it had been a long day. i really miss my bed at home and my fucking expensive italian sheets and 800-gram weight turkish bath towels and knowing where to go for things and being able to talk to people without a struggle. god. i've been looking at restaurants for my birthday dinner and i just want to scream. i feel like i can't trust the restaurant reviewer because he or she has probably never had any previous experience reviewing restaurants and i feel doubtful that my opinion and his/hers will align.i want something languorous and dimly lit, i want beauty and seduction in a venue. i want good food and i want to be surrounded by people that make me happy and relaxed and i want them to have a good time and i want to have a good time, and i want to feel secure and not have to worry about people's feelings all the time. especially mine.

wah wah wah. my mom would probably look at me right now if i was saying this to her, and tell me i need a nap.