back in SH

I don’t know, just feeling a little blue. Normally I hate hearing ‘post-holiday blahs’ because I’m a January birthday and we January babies just don’t trip off it… but I’m kinda thinking that’s what’s going on. Coming back from being home was really weird, I felt like I was living in the hush just following a night spent in a really loud club or concert. You know what I mean – walking out of the door into the cold air and feeling almost like there’s a vacuum in your ears, it’s so quiet. My first couple days back were ethereal – noises were too loud, lights too bright.

Being home was really great – awesome to see my family, of course, and I squoze in as many peoples as I could. CK and I even went up to Tahoe and boarded for a day. It was so friggin busy, though. I’ve never before experienced coming home for a visit. I’ve always just… been home. So between the holiday itself (gift-shopping, which I was a miserable failure at, and food-prep since we always host big holiday meals) there was the unfortunate 3-day hangover/jetlag combo (long story that will go untold), and then little things like getting my teeth cleaned and running around buying people the stuff that I promised I’d bring back (note to self: never again). I think also that people have expectations of you, that you’re going to help with this and go with them to do that… and somehow don’t realize or care that you don’t necessarily have the time or desire to do all of it. I’ve always been a big one for alone time; I just can’t and won’t spend every waking moment in someone else’s company. It exhausts me emotionally to not have some space to be quiet and decompress and regroup. I’m a true introvert. But staying with your parents and your sister and your grandma and your cat and their dog… can be a circus, and one that makes an introvert like me feel pressured and tired and eventually grumpy. Thankfully, my family is really the bomb and the grumpiness was usually just a flash in the pan, but it makes you realize how much you’ve matured (as it were). As a little kid I think I always wanted to be surrounded by people, and now as a fully matured semi-recluse it’s funny to see how I’ve changed.

Speaking of change, plans here in SH are shifting. Am wondering if an additional semester of school is going to be feasible since I now have to be financially accountable for myself in some way. Started the ball rolling on the freelance thing, but considering the visa situation that might be a less than stellar idea. Considering full-time employment and so I’ve dusted off the resume and am revising and sending out to people for opinions. Anybody want to give me a nice-paying job and a visa? I’d like to write about personal crap for a living, thank you. It seems one of the only things I can continue to do without tiring of it, although one wonders.

Full-time work again. Sigh.

Upon touching down December 18th, I went with my sister and cousin to Tartine on 18th and Guerrero. Shawn met us there. Walking in the Mission was so strange – I got to see the City as a visitor and I finally understood why everyone says that it’s so beautiful. It is. Plus the air was so clear and the sun was out… Dolores Park in the backdrop. I finally understood, but it didn’t make me homesick. Just appreciative. SH has got some fugly-ass buildings and the air always seems hazy. I wouldn’t plan on staying here in the long term if only for the pollution concerns. I got an email from a former colleague, whose recent news included, among other things, having just bought a Prius. She asked if we had hybrid cars here and I had to laugh. Nope. I’m shocked that the hybrid thing has become trendy in the States (isn’t it always about trends?). One of my dreams when I’m rich and famous is to design my own house, and for that house to be as eco-friendly as possible. This past summer there was a homes tour – I think in Berkeley – of so-called green homes and I wanted to go, but it took place after I left. I think it’s one of the coolest things ever: reclaimed railroad ties made into stairs, or a countertop or something. Neat.